My · Inner · Soul

So I have been dating this wonderful guy named Keith for 6 months now and leaving him is not an option because I love him with all my heart. However his parents (his mom and step dad), mainly his mom, seem to really not like me, maybe even HATE me. Everytime something important comes up with my family that isnt just a one day thing, he cant come because she simply says no. Well my annual labor day camping trip is coming up this weekend and my whole family (the ones Keith hasnt met yet) goes. This really means a lot to me especially because right when I get back I start school. So he talked to his mom about it and she said we will talk about it later. Well everytime the opportunity came up for him to talk to her, she made up an excuse not to talk. So finally today when my family NEEDS to know she tells him No because she thinks it is A BAD IDEA! Then John, his stepdad, steps in after saying last night that it was between Keith and his mom, and says It is just a TEMPTING situation. They like dont trust him with my family or something. And obviously they only see me as A TEMPTING BAD IDEA when it comes to their son. Plus they tell him all these horrible things about his father and then never give him the opportunity to see him to find out the truth. I feel like the more and more I stand up and try to respect his familys decisions (Because he still is only 15) the less and less I am myself and the less and less I am tied to my Frizzell roots. I cant leave him, I simply cant but I cant stand the issues them not liking me cause anymore, and the truths about his father need to come out. What should I do in general? Should I contact his dad to find out the truth? What should I do about his family? Is there anything I can do?

So this weekend kinda blew chunks so far. I was so excited to be out of high school and I thought it was all going to be great but it wasnt. So if you continue reading this and you hate that I am bitching and moaning go ahead and hate it, I dont care.
So Thursday was any other normal day...until work. I dont know how many of you heard about the Livonia apartment fire but it was right behind my work. So we had to evacuate with a bunch of screaming little kids...NOT FUN!
Then Friday...last day of school. I end up not having to work because of the fire which rocks. I got to chill with Keith all night and everything seemed to be going great until I did something retarded but all was well in the end.
Saturday morning was Nat's grandfathers memorial...it was so hard. I spoke and I cried like a baby, but it is nice to know that we all cared so much about this man. After I stopped into Sammy's grad party and then I went home. I hung out at Keith's house for a little because my family went upnorth but i chose not to. I came home a little later for Laurel's little Piston shindig (she didnt go upnorth either). There were so many people at my house. I didnt feel to well though so I went to bed early. That's where this weekend became overly SHITTY!
I woke up yesterday and my throat was dry and scratchy. So I called my mom to see what to do and what places would possibly be open on a Sunday. I was supposed to chill with Keiths family so I called him and let him know I was going to an urgent care clinic at 10. Well I am ready to go when I realize my car is in the back and there is no way i am getting a bunch of hung over college kids to move their cars. So Joe, my good friend takes me. We get there and I have a severe bacterial throat infection. He gives me some meds and off we go. I get home and call Keith. He insists I come over and I told him no kissing sharing drinks yadayada. I go over but I only stayed for like 2 hours cuz I felt so blah. I woke up and went to his house a little later. Then my family gets home and all hell breaks loose. Christa left a phone upstairs all weekend so my mom gets pissed at her and tells her to clean her room so she does. Then my mom yells at me to clean the bathroom up because I left a towel on the ground so I do. I thought that was that. NOPE SO WRONG! She startes yelling at me for going to the doctors because I called her a couple times before hand. Yet I called to ask where the number for the clinic was, where the thermometer was, and if she wanted me to use her debit card to pay for the copay. She yells at me that I could have waited a day to go but it wouldnt have mattered because it still would have been a 10 dollar copay. Then she yells at me about leaving three things out...the towel, the thermometer, and the yellow pages. Not only that but she gets mad because I "dont follow her rules" Eventually I just walked out. I was on the phone with Keith but I called everywhere to find a place to stay because my mom said she only wants me to live in the house when I follow her rules so obviously she didnt want me there. Well no one has a place for me to stay so like other nights i decide to stay in my car. Keith however wouldnt hear it. i told him not to ask his parents but he does. I am not mad at him but I wish he wouldnt have. Well his family says come stay here which is nice but they only said it because he told them I was sleeping in my car. I get there and I refuse to get out of the car. I simply didnt have the heart the go to his door. I cant impose on a family like this. My problem is not theirs. Finally Keith gets me out of the car only for me to pass out in his arms. i get in and his mom asks me what is up. Mind you this is like at 11:30 at night. I tell her and she responds "Well I have no idea what is going on over there(my house) but you also have to realize that I have little ones in the house and you will have to leave before John goes to work at 7." She said it so nicely but how could I stay after hearing that. I got up and left...after fighting with Keith about it. I couldnt even look his mom or him in the eye. So now I seem like a bad person because here they are offering their house and I kindly yet rudely declined after waking them up late at night, even though I asked Keith not to! So where did I go? The one place I wanted to go to most and least at the same time. I knew just walking in the door would cause world war three to outbreak. I went back home...THANK THE LORD everyone was sleeping. However today my mom wants to have what she likes to call a "Family Discussion" which in translation means let us tell you how it is gonna be and if you disagree then get out.
Then this morning fines that needed to be payed before getting our cap and gown tomorrow were posted today and Keith calls this morning and tells me it says I owe 45 dollars for a yearbook but we have to reciept saying otherwise. So now I have to go to school early tomorrow and get it fixed. I hate that school so much. I am so glad to be out.

So this weekend was just dandy. My family somewhat kicked me out. Keiths family probably hates me. I am sick. And the school is retarded.

And I supposed getting out of high school would be great......

Hi everyone. Today a stray came into my car and I took it to the Humane Society, due to it not having a collar on and no lost cat signs around. I dont know if it is male or female, spaid or not, and up to date on its shots or not. However I still want to adopt this cat. However Christa has a cat and Dora ( her cat ) does not get along with many other cats. I still want to adopt though. In the case that I can not though, I am looking for a potential owner. Please let me know if you are interested. I will post more information when I find it out...

Okay so I saw Phantom of the Opera for the third time today, and I swear that musical can never ever get old! I recommend you all see it if you can

God I would die to play Christine Daae in a show one day

So I had my tilt table test on Tuesday...wow that is a lot of Ts. It is a test to see if you pass out due to a slow heart rate when you should have a high one. Well finally we figured it out. My test came up positive. I indeed have what is called Neuro Cardiogenic Syncope, aka VasoVagal Syncope. So now i have to take betablockers ( pills ) basically for the rest of my life. But anyways here is the data

At the beginning my heart rate was about 82. then as the tilted me to 70 degrees so the blood rushed to my feet and thus speeding up my heart rate ( as it would to anyone ) it hit about 120. I started to feel shakey, couldnt stop yawning, warm, dizzy, and nauseated. However I did not pass out after 30 minutes so they give you a small dissolving pill of NitroGlycerin ( yes I said NitroGlycerin because that is what they give you ). They give you that because it speeds up your heart rate. This is the test. Most peoples heart rates stay up because they are pumping blood faster. However people with NCSyncope's heart rate goes up and drastically drops. Indeed mine did. After taking the pill, my heart rate went up to 139 with a blood pressure of 138/102 ( a normal one is like 100/ 70 ) but that is the point ( to raise it up ), however a short five minutes later it dropped drastically with a heart rate of 76 and a blood pressure rate of 79/46! I was in pre-syncope but never really passed out. I felt so sick I feared I would hurl on Julie, the lady administering the test. After the laid me down flat and gave me fluids and juice. I felt better about five minutes later.

All I have to say is thank god we finally know what is causing me to pass out and NO I NEVER EVER want to take a tilt table test again.

So my day started wonderfully. The show went great and I was so glad everyone came. I feel bad though because I missed Ken's tournament and I really want to be there for him. Everything was good but with all good comes evil and it came in large abundance.

Justin has seriously ruined my life. Not only has he cheated on me but he goes out of his way to dump me on New Years Eve at my friend's party for my friend supposedly. On no, trust me it gets so much better. During a family fight I find out that some people I thought were my friends take shit about me all time. I really dont know who to trust for sure now. I only feel like Ii have Shay, Nat, Hoefee, Rita, Brian, Ryan, and Steven. But the night got so much better. During the family talk after I find out who Justin really dumped me for. Not only does he "like" Ashley oh no he in actuality REALLY LIKES Christa. Who is that you ask? CHRISTA is my 14 yr old little sister, and she likes him too! Everyone in the house is like they have to make their own decisions and Christa has to make her own mistakes. They all sympathize with Christa because she likes him and I told him to never go out with her or I would kill him. No one cares that he cheated on me and that if they do date I have to sit back and watch the guy I have loved more than anything date my little sister and potentially hurt her too. No one truely understands how much that hurts, that niether him nor my sister see how hurt I am and have enough respect for me to not pursue anything.
Oh but wait, it gets even better. Today out to eat, I am informed that Justin tried to kiss Christa. Not only that but it was on freakin Christmas Eve. If my calculations are not correct who was he dating at that time? OH yea it was me! While dating me, he tried to cheat on me with my sister in my house on Christmas Eve. I guess Christa told Adam and Laurel found out and none of them told me not one! They let me keep going on dating him. I mean Christa pushed him back and I respect her for that but they all knew about it and that him and christa like each other and no one thought enough of it to tell me.

He promised me that he didn't like her and that he never would date her because he respected me that much and once again it was all lies! He once again made me feel worthless and now i feel like I have no real friends. No one cares about me or my feelings at all...

I seriously feel dead to the world. I had a shining moment this morning and now I have nothing!

So last night was all in all F-ing AWESOME. Yes with all good comes evil and with all smiles comes tears but it ended on a high note. So I got Justin's mom to let him sneak out behind his Uncle and go out to Rita's with me. On the way we had a little kiss and held hands we got to Rita's and left a little later to get Taco Bell for some people. When we went back it was party time. We just laughed and joked and danced while eating pizza and good snacks. However, justin was like not hanging out with me at all, not holding my hand or anything. He said he wasnt in that type of mood that he was more in a partying mood. So I just partied on. We played a mad game of Battle of the Sexes and the women so won. GOOD TIMES. However once again though, Justin was on the whole other side of the room by Alaina and Ashley being all up on them because I was mad at him due to the fact he wanted to "dip" with Rod and I didnt want him too. Whatever I party on. So Jessi comes and Rod wants Black and Milds so she goes to get them and Justin goes as well as Alaina and Ashley. I trust the girls with all that I am, but my trust for him is a little rocky. Anyways that is not the point. His mom calls while he is out and tells me that his Uncle came to the house looking for him and basically is kicking him out to go back to his mom's because he was grounded and not supposed to go out. I freak out trying to figure out what to do. He comes back and I tell him and he calls his mom and works it out but then I say I want to talk to you, and he says okay let me get my slurpee and I will be right back. I wait and wait and wait.. and to my surprise Alaina comes to talk to me. I am really glad she steps back into my life now and then, she really helps me out and she makes me feel better with just accepting me. She talks to me and informs me Justin is outside smoking with Rod. He walks in and I am going downstairs with Alaina and he gets mad when I get pissy with him saying "You left me in the room" when he questioned "are we cool" So then Ashley wanted to see if Nick was coming but didnt want to call his brother Ken and be rude so I said I would call Ken, cause Ken and I are cool. Well I call and Mike Mance picks up the phone. I simply am asking for Nick and Mike goes "he probably is blowing YOU off, not that I blame him" and hangs up. I would not have been hurt if he said YOU ALL or YOU GUYS. But knowing I am not his favorite person he says YOU. That made my night oh so much better let me tell you. So Tony and some of Rods friend are chilling downstairs and we just start dancing. Alaina, Ashley, and I just freak dance for hours on end while Shay dances her McKay way and people are jumping in and out. So Justin and I go in the back room to talk and he basically, 30 minutes before midnight when you are supposed to kiss your sweetheart, tells me he doesnt want to date me anymore(we were only dating). He tells me it is because he thinks I deserve better and all this shit so why I am yelling and yes I am crying and he is like "well you basically forced me into it when we talked the first time" when all I said was " hey you are back we need to talk about the feelings we had before you left and if we want to bring them back or not." He is all like I am sorry but I finally just walked out saying sorry isnt good enough anymore. That is right I finally said it and I finally walked out on him. Shay and Alaina come to help me clean up after crying in the bathroom for a little but we kept it discreet to not ruin the party. So nick shows up and we all just start table dancing, I must say the best times we on that table and all night with Alaina, Ashley, and Nick. So Justin and I avoid each other in fact I didnt even drive him back home. So midnight comesand Alaina was my frist kiss with some odd kisses with Ryan(maybe there is something there I have no clue lol??)and we party outside dance some more, chug Sparkling Cider (yea we are geeks). We just partied, I left at 330 ish without Justin and slept till one the night was amazing.
Thanks to:
Rita, Ashley, Alaina, Nick, Shay, Chris, Rod and his 3 friends, Jon, Jessi, Kim, Alyssa, Dana, Lily and her boyfriend, Justin(for some of the night), April, Ryan, Delarosa, and HOEFEE( I love you girl)

For a wonderful night!

last night KICKED ass! Picked Shay up at 5 aftet not taking a much needed lap. We drove to the palace after stopping to pee at this Burger King with the coolest parking lot. We got there and had to walk all the way around the freakin palace. I bought a shirt and then we sat down. Well we were in section 125 and our friend Kelly was in 121 so we started playing Where's Kelly like Where's Waldo! Well we started checking out the guys, even though Shay is with Billy, but there were none! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!! So we are exhausted waiting for the show to start and all of a sudden I find KELLY! Too bad she didnt see us but we could see her and she actually bought the same shirt as me. GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE! So we are hoping some hotties sit next to us, but instead we get 3 ditzy ass, preppy girls who seriously left like a million times, I want to punch them. Then it all started. Plain White T's were first and they were amazing as all hell, I would so go see them in concert. So now we are pumped and Jack's Mannequin comes on, they are such a good band but they didnt play good concert music and they were too mellow for a pumped up crowd. We sat during them. Then they ended and all was good because PANIC AT THE DISCO was next. So we are sitting and I look down at the security person letting people onto the floor and I swear it was Danny. Then the lady who checked the wrist bands to be on the floor, was like nuts. People would leave to go pee and come back to their seats, and she would continually check their ticket or band, like they werent supposed to sit there. FREAKIN TICKET NAZI! Then the lights go out, and it was PANIC. The whole stage is set up as a freak show circus, they had people on stilts, contortionists, and a CHICK Ringleader. All the girls were half naked, and of course the lead singer was hot as hell like always! It was a huge party with cover songs, my favorite songs, awesome acts, sexy dance moves, people partying, and even a DRUM SEGMENT. They all like put on Snare and Bass Drums like in a marching band, I wanted to cry because it was like my life on stage. The show was over at 11, and Shay and I got back round 12 after taking the scary roads but not after two major events. First we met, Stripe Shirt Boy, he was hot as hell, the cutest smile, oh man we were in love. Then on Telegraph some 12 year olds in a limo pull up next to us and think they are sweet car dancing. SO we roll the window down, blare the tunes, and have a dance off we so beat their ass, it was wonderful. Then of course I got up early to go on a Physics field trip. Shows how much of a nerd I am huh?

Now I am exhausted and I have serious cleaning to do

HAPPY EARLY THANKSGIVING ALL!

So I wasnt done with the ER I guess. I headed back to the hospital at around 11, with tingling toes and fingers, sharp pains in my left arm and legs, and i was dizzer than a mofo. We thought I might have been having a reaction to the meds so back we went. This time my Mom, who just got back from Chicago, took me. We didnt get home until 130 am. So not only do I have this pulled chest muscle but I had a case of Vertigo as well. God my body hates itself sometimes. So now I am sitting at home alone, because I couldnt sleep well but I am going to work tomorrow...
Oh what a night

So once again I ended up in the hospital! I was up all night not being able to hold down food. Then I woke up on the couch at noon. I felt off, not sick, just off but I figured I had like the stomach flu. Well around 2 I felt way off like I was going to pass out and all. So I went to the bathroom and up the stairs I went. I made it to the second stair and couldnt walk anymore, I sat on the stairs barely able to move. Slowly yet kilded over I made my way up to my room. I layed down in my bed and started to have trouble breathing so I called my mom thinking I was about to pass out. She is in Chicago but she would know how to prevent it. She didnt answer. Then BAM out of nowhere severve chest pains and then my arm went numb. So immediatly I called my Dad, who was at Ford field. OI could barely talk I was crying so hard and gasping for air. He told me to call my Gma or neighbors. I couldnt move so I called for my lil sis. She felt my heart rate and went to call 911 but I told her to call the Slivas instead. She did they came over then my Gma took my to the hospital. I still was having problems. I couldnt even walk down the stairs by myself, Mrs. Sliva had to help me. I for sure thought I was having a heart attack because heart issues run in the family.
We got there and I could barely breathe. Immediately they took me in. My Dad arrived from Ford field. My blood pressure was 150/80 when it is supposed to be 120/80! My face was flushed and in and out of droggy sleep a went. the nurse came in and gave me a pain shot in the ass so now I can barely sit. During that Charles came in, another nurse, and got to see my ass. Then he hooks me up for an EKG, and gets to see my boobs. He was like just relax and I thought "I am half naked in front of a guy named Charles sure no problem I will relax." After that they sent my for a chest Xray and then we had to wait for the results. Everything came back normal thank god. They said I had Atypical Chest Pain, meaning I pulled a muslce in my chest. It didnt explain the weird heart rate or breathing issue though. So then they explained that when you pull a muscle it expands. Due to it being a chest muscle and it being expanded, depending on how it was stationed it would push on my heart or lung. So the meds in the ass helped the breathing and such but I am still really uncomfortable.

Oh what a day!

So today was EMU much better than expected. The Jb and I hung out good times, bad move~! Long story. On the way home I did something I never would have expected. I took a detour. I tried to get rid of all my troubles. So I pulled in to the first spot in the park! I sat there and I was doing good it was just awkward, then I lost it. I am not ready for any of this yet. I really want to go back, I simply collapsed in the truck seat and cried. When I turned on my lights I saw a man walking. I put the car in reverse and I slammed on the brakes it was like something was holding me back. I looked at the car in Reverse and I closed my eyes. I wished and wished that I would open my eyes and be back in time, that life would reverse. I opened my eyes and I hadnt moved. I looked and the man was just still walking. I drove home with another unsatifying life. I have yet to find my base, I have yet to start my new life!